


I Love You (I Always Have)

by hiensou



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, honestly it's a bit pointless but i really had to write this ok, this scene wouldnt leave my mind alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-25
Updated: 2013-08-25
Packaged: 2017-12-24 16:26:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/942075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiensou/pseuds/hiensou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A somewhat different take on the CPR scene.<br/>Inspired by the song "I Love You (I Always Have)" by Mikky Ekko.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Love You (I Always Have)

    His fist was shaking as he brought it up to rest against his lips pensively, but he failed to notice. In fact, his entire body was rattling from shivers, cold and absolutely terrified. The temperature of the water hadn't faced him at all – he had a high tolerance, after all – but in his frantic attempts at remembering how to do this, how to take his best friend's life into his hands and make sure it stayed intact, he realised he should have covered Makoto's frame up with something warm. Quickly deducting that he did not have the means to do that at the moment, his thoughts moved on. _What do I do? How do I save him?_

   A tiny gasp escaped him as he slowly recalled what he'd learnt about CPR so many years ago; it was one of the first things they'd been taught in swim school, but up until now, Haruka hadn't ever had to use it.

_If I do this wrong... If I don't succeed..._

   He lay his head down against Makoto's chest, closing his eyes and concentrating on finding a pulsating rhythm somewhere in there. Bombs went off inside his chest. He felt like it was _him_ drowning. But there was a beat there; faint, feeble, hiding from Haruka as if to trick him that it was too late. He sat up, words he wasn't sure who they were directed at leaving his lips in a breath, “It's beating...”

   Relieved, he nearly left it at that. Nearly let himself freeze and wait to crack like thin ice under oppressive weights, an entire ocean flooding from his eyes from emotions he hadn't experienced in a long time. Or ever.

   “Is he injured?” he spoke to himself again, struck with the knowledge that he had to keep checking, keep assuring himself until Makoto was actually looking at him again, and speaking to him, “No...” he thought himself stupid. Confirming lack of injuries should have been the first thing he did. But his mind refused to follow a straight track, it riddled him in panic and feelings he did not know what to do with. He raised himself, hovering above his friend and placing an unsteady palm against Makoto's cheek. Merely a frail breath reached Haruka's ear; Makoto was alive, but barely so. This time, Haruka did freeze. _What do I do?_

   Behind compact, grey clouds, the sky was torn open with an ardent explosion of light, and menacing rumbling short after. Haruka thoroughly ignored the luminescent ceiling and its upset grumbling, however, staring at the parted lips and the too-still chest beneath him. He felt as if he'd break in two, but put that aside to the best of his ability as he tilted Makoto's face upwards a bit, apprehensive fingers under his chin and pinching at the bridge of his nose. He let what little he remembered of those CPR lessons go through his mind again, taking a deep breath, ready to force it into Makoto's lungs instead, but hesitating, and...

   Something dropped in his stomach, and he was sure his own heart had been at a halt as it suddenly sprung into action once more, watching Makoto cringing on the ground with heaves of water coughed from his mouth.

   “Makoto!” his own voice startled him a little. He sounded different; felt different. “Makoto...”

   The boy on the ground looked as if he'd been thrown about and knocked unconscious for years, with puffy eyes that could only give Haruka half-lidded glances, pale complexion to his face, and hair that was matted and soaked. “Haru...ka...” he forced out, weak and hoarse.

   “Are you okay?!” he was absolutely soaked with relief, blinking down at Makoto who was now stiff and half-curled up on the ground, and Haruka could tell there was realisation sinking in within his friend. Instead of answering Haruka's question, Makoto averted his eyes and asked one of his own.

   “Where are we?”

   If Haruka knew him as well as he thought he did, he'd guess Makoto was already guilty about making the dark-haired boy worry, risk himself, and for being unable to face his fears and rescue Rei. Haruka wouldn't blame him for any of that, though. “I'm guessing this is Sukishima,” he answered, a bit calmed down, “the island facing the tents.”

   That might as well have gone in through one ear and out the other for Makoto, though, as he failed to acknowledge Haruka's words yet again. Instead, he forced himself to sit up, and Haruka doubted he'd seen his eyes possess such a strained uneasiness before. “Where's Rei?”

   “You shouldn't be moving around–“

   “Rei...”

   Makoto was absent. Completely submerged in distress. Haruka reached out for his shoulders, holding him in place as he neared the brink of panic, making Haruka wish like so many times before that he'd care a bit more about himself. Rei was fine, surely, because Nagisa had been there, too. Either way, Makoto was in no condition to dive into the waters again. Why couldn't he see that? Why couldn't he, just for a moment, pause and ponder how he was really doing? Haruka wanted him to put himself first, just this once.

   “You should be resting,” Haruka stated firmly, but he could see the roused anxiety in Makoto's pale face.

   “But Rei's in trouble!” he finally looked at Haruka, clutching at his arm with eyes that looked as if they were about to spill over with tears. Haruka didn't need that, he wouldn't want that, but he'd take care of it if Makoto needed to cry.

   Yet, he grew more and more annoyed by the second. “Nagisa's taking care of it!” his voice was loud. A lot louder than usually, and it was a bit odd for both of them, hearing it talking back to Makoto in such a tone. “You don't need to worry.” he lowered his voice now, breathing out the last words as Makoto looked at him with his mouth ajar and a stare that would break Haruka's heart any second now.

   “Nagisa?” Makoto whispered, and Haruka had to avert his eyes as he nodded.

   There was a drawn-out silence then, the only thing to listen to being the rippling murmurs from behind shady clouds and the splashing of violent waves knocking together and sliding up the shore. Haruka sat back, retrieving his hands from Makoto's body, the latter's glance cast low beneath furrowed brows. The blue-eyed boy watched him, concerned, as he seemed to be struck with a realisation and slowly looked up at Haruka. Colour was returning to his face now, which was a good sign.

   “What were you... What were you doing... before...”

_Before? When?_

   “Uh... when you... when I was...” Makoto stuttered on, making Haruka knit his brows together in confusion and slight frustration. _Just spit it out already._ “You were... I woke up and you were _really_ close...”

   Oh. “I was trying to give you CPR, but then you woke up.”

   Makoto's mouth twitched, and he swallowed visibly, eyes roving. “Oh! Yes, of course.” he nodded, repositioning himself a bit where he sat on the sand. His arms shook as he shifted the weight of his body, him still being evidently weak. Makoto forced a pained laughter. “Of course. What else.”

* * *

 

   They sat under the shielding jut of a hill, raindrops being plucked off the edge by gravity and making indistinct sounds as they landed. Makoto's breathing had been back to normal for a while now, but his body was still disturbed by shivers and his ambiance pressing a sense of discomfort through Haruka. He felt like inviting him into his embrace, stroking his hair, allowing him to fall asleep, but instead he sat beside him with the hopes that Makoto could feel his want to help out more through some sort of telepathy and appreciate the thought. It was the thought that mattered, after all. Or so he supposed.

   “Have you calmed down?” Haruka asked, looking over at him. He kept his voice smooth, light, showing sincere concern through it. Without moving or looking up, Makoto made an affirmative sound, expression unwavering. Haruka looked down again, deciding that there was a subject that needed to be touched, as it held those kind of questions you already knew the answers to but needed to ask anyway. So he asked. “You're still scared of the ocean, aren't you?”

   “I thought I'd gotten over it...” he sounded more thoughtful and cross about it than guilty, which Haruka preferred, “But when I saw Rei drowning, I completely froze.” he lifted a hand to cover his face, the weight of failure now washing over him. His hand trembled, his words hissed at himself. “The memory of that day immediately surfaced...”

   Haruka looked at him, feeling uneasy in this situation, but still somehow longed to take that hand in his own and squeeze it hard with assurance that Makoto needn't be so hard on himself for not being perfect; for having weaknesses.

   “I'm so sorry I dragged you into this.” he was crying. Or about to break and do so any moment now, at least, because his voice had resolved into apologising whispers and unsteady breaths.

   “It's not your fault.” he wished he could say that in a better way. Or more so, he wished he could show it without any words at all. Usually Haruka was a lot better with subtle hints through action rather than earnest words, but that only made these words extra valuable.

   “But... I was the one who decided to hold a camp... And I chose to start the swim club. But that was because I wanted to swim with you again.” he'd known it. Some part of him always knew. Makoto did these things for him and him only. Makoto did too much for him and him only. “I wanted to swim in a relay with everyone again. But...”

   He held out an unsteady hand, staring at his palm as if his look could bore into his bones and make the trembling stop, along with the ache. Makoto continued, and Haruka held his breath, “If you're not there...” his fingers curled, clenching into a shaky fist, and Haruka met his gaze which was pleading for him to understand as Makoto looked up, “It's meaningless without you.”

   Makoto's words echoed as if they came from miles away. Haruka's heartbeat sounded a lot more profound throughout him, steady and pulsating from the very pit of his chest. A small breath left him, and he had to reach out, to touch, he had to say something to Makoto...

   “I want to swim with you!” the brown-haired boy continued, and within himself, Haruka fumbled for the right words. It was one thing to wish to swim with your best friend, but Makoto wasn't talking about that. Not really. His words told Haruka one thing, but his voice betrayed him and revealed something completely different.

   “Makoto...” he began, and then swallowed. Makoto looked expectant. “We've always been swimming together. For as long as we both swim, it will be together,” he stated quietly, splaying five fingers out in the sand between them, a silent invite for Makoto's own hand. Haruka wanted to grab a hold of the shivers and calm them until they disappeared. “But _you're_ talking about... What _you_ mean... I...”

   Makoto clenched his jaw, and they both felt as if they were sitting on needles. But Haruka forced himself to go on. Nagisa and Rei would doubtlessly be searching for them once Rei was confirmed fine and able to walk around, and he needed to get this out before they were found.

   “You've wanted to... _swim_ with me for a long time, haven't you, Makoto?” he flinched a bit when fingertips graced the skin of his thumb, bashful but understanding, and wanting him to continue. “You always have. You didn't know it before, but you wanted to, and now you know, so now you're asking.”

   He wanted Makoto to smile. He half-expected him to, but instead there was a sadness blanketing his features as he – instead of accepting the silent offer of Haruka's hand – reached up to touch his cheek. “And you've known. For a long time.”

   Haruka hesitated for a moment before nodding. He'd known, but he hadn't confirmed it to himself because at first it hadn't mattered and then he'd been afraid and then he'd forgotten about it, however that was possible. It wasn't as if Makoto was going away. Makoto wouldn't do that, because he was chained to Haruka and that was how it was supposed to be, and even if he worked to break that chain, Haruka would hold on to him one way or another.

   “I love you,” he said suddenly, and Haruka was taken aback. His breathing stopped. Makoto's touch sent out tickling shivers across his skin. “I always have.”

   “Makoto...”

   “You're my best friend. You're the most important person; the main priority. I don't know why it came to that, but it did, as soon as I got to know you,” he furrowed his brows even further, as if it ached his entire being, saying this, “I need to swim with you, to be with you. I've never expected anything I felt about you to be mutual even though I know I see what you really feel when you show something else. But I never saw _that_. Every now and then I thought I did, but I was just being stupid. You make me so warm inside though, sometimes...”

   His palm slid down to the nape of Haruka's neck, and Haruka reached his own hand up to rest at Makoto's arm, watching his eyebrows twitching, hoping that he wouldn't start crying.

   Why hadn't he said anything before? It hadn't needed to be said, yet they'd both been putting it off, waiting for it to be verbally stated because that's when it would be official, or whatever the reason was. But Haruka had been comfortable anyway, because Makoto was part of his every-day life. Makoto knew how he worked and what he wanted, he made happiness seep through Haruka's apathy and trigger tiny smiles and content sighs and soothing assurance when worries brought him to his peak. He took his hand every single morning and made sure he moved further. He fussed over him and looked out for him and gave him half-lidded glances and calm smiles that shone of an endearment that should have been a lot more obvious to Haruka, he realised in hindsight. He walked him home through sunsets and he read Haruka's thoughts like an open book. Would Haruka be able to live without all that? No, he thought not. Was he content with that? Up until now, supposedly. But god, he wondered, where was that vibrant smile?

   Haruka's grip left Makoto's arm, and instead he cupped his face with both hands, staring intently with eyes that told him he was agitated with Makoto for being stupid, but also guilty because he himself was also sort of stupid. The chocolate-haired boy just blinked at him, dropped his hand to his lap, and stayed completely still as his lips were captured by another pair, raindrops crushed between them. He would have thought it'd be as awkward and new as a first kiss always was, but Haruka's mouth was – alike the rest of him – like something thoroughly familiar. He felt like he was melting against him, tingling explosions going off in his gut, and he placed hands that were a lot steadier than before on Haruka's waist, thumb rubbing circles on the wet flesh.

   He needed this, he really did. And despite this very action causing him content and excitement, he felt as if there'd be sadness, but it was drained from him. Makoto could only feel as if something was building up inside of him, ready to spark up and burst through, luminescent, then fade like a dying star. But the feeling stayed intact and adamant, not overwhelming him nor escalating, and with a warm breath against Haruka's cheek, he tried to bring him as close as possible.

   Haruka's fingers snaked their way into tangled chestnut locks. There it was, he thought to himself. There it was, breathing a quiet chuckle against his lips that said _'This is what everything's been leading up to, and I'm all right now. You're patching me up.'_ The vibrant smile that he'd managed to miss to the point where it was nearly excruciating even after only lacking for such a short time. There it was, pressed against a kiss Haruka realised he should have given Makoto a long time ago.


End file.
